What I Wish I knew

I wish I knew more writers before embarking on this journey to authorship.

I wish someone would have told me the hard stuff.

Like…being a full time writer can be lonely. That spending 40 hours a week in complete solitude with you, yourself, and your thoughts is challenging for even the most extreme of introverts. That letting your thoughts run wild is scary, because you have always been told not to. That it’s so important to allow your mind to wander, for it is only then will you discover what is really inside of you. That writing is a journey into the depths of self, and self is sometimes unpleasant to observe.

I wish someone would have told me to get out the house more. To mingle. To take time to look away and do mindless activities. That using your gift so much can be draining, so extracurricular activities are a must. That your friends won’t understand what you’re going through. That people will keep asking what your life plan is as if writing is just a hobby and you need to get a “real” job. That even the people closest to you just won’t get it all the time. That your vision is not a shared experience….the only person that can see it is you. So, being your own cheerleader is a must.

Most importantly I wish they would have told me to stop caring. Immediately. Stop caring about opinions and criticism. Stop caring about the reader when you’re writing (they only matter afterwards). Stop waiting for people to celebrate milestones, because they really don’t understand your struggles. Stop caring about the outside noise. Stop caring about things that don’t matter.

I wish someone would have told me that I am the most important person in my own journey.

I wish someone would have told me to love self furiously even when I can’t stand to look at myself.

I wish I was taught earlier what it means to live an unapologetic life.

But that’s okay, because I learned. My first five months as an artist was damn hard. It was one of the most challenging moments of my life, but I am so much stronger now. I am so much wiser. I am a better version of myself, and I’m ready to continue ahead.

One step at a time. One lesson at a time.

If you are thinking of pursuing artistry full time, well…this is me telling you what was never told to me.

Pittsburgh

“What happens to a dream deferred?”

It grows

And expands

It takes time to decide

Whether suicide is its destiny

Or if life is the only way

 

It lies down and weeps

Rolling around in the possibilities

Of “what if’s” and “could be’s”

Self-pity is the initial reaction

To a dream left in the shadows

Of life’s troubles

 

What happens next?… is not the decision of the dream

But the dreamer

What happens next… is the thoughts

The resilience

The courage of the one who gave birth to such a thing

The one responsible for the care and tenderness owed

 

My dream

Left alone

Tucked away

And hidden

Accumulated dust

Lost it’s luster

But it did not falter

Once discovered again

I realized it

Was the same

Everything inside of it did not wilt

Rather it grew in wisdom

As my life grew in length

 

And now

It lives

Inside of me

A mature version of childish passions

Plays on in the fantasies of my mind

With more room to develop into

The woman who will not forget

To allow her heart to beat

Now the boundaries are being broken

Letting adventures unfold and take shape

 

A dream is not a silly thing

A dream deferred thing can be a strong thing

And a dream pursued is a sure thing

A new video is posted every Thursday for my Mixtape Poetry series! Subscribe to my Youtube channel to stay up to date with new videos! This is video 5 of 7

Misplaced

Would you do it?

Would you submit yourself to those things that are killing you?

Would you play with fire?

Would you continue seeking their attention?

Would you wear an outfit that’s barely there?

Would you inhale what’s damaging your lungs?

Would you sip the poisonous liquid?

Would you take the fruit and indulge in the forbidden?

 

Would you sit with those girls?

Would you be in competition with every woman who might have more?

Would you compare yourself?

Would you secretly tear apart yourself?

Would you pinpoint what you don’t like about your own reflection?

Would you call yourself a bad bitch?

 

Would you let him call you anything other than your name?

Would you give away pieces of yourself for free?

Would you allow him to raise his hand?

Would you cover the scars?

Would you….stay?

 

Would you hold on to the resentment?

Would you sleep with hate?

Would you live with bitterness?

Would you walk with hurt?

Would you?

 

Would you do it if you knew?

Would you use your jewels for play if you knew their value?

Where is your crown?

 

Why are you lost if the kingdom is inside of you?

Why do you delay when the promises await you?

Why are you silent when authority is within you?

Why do you accept what is given?

Why do you see but have no vision?

Where is your crown?

 

A new video is posted every Thursday for my Mixtape Poetry series! Subscribe to my Youtube channel to stay up to date with new videos!

Journeys Back Home

I wanted to journey across the world.

I wanted to plan an escape outside the state. California, New York, New Orleans. Anywhere outside of where I stood would surely bring me happiness and contentment.

The more I planned to run away, the more I realized I was trying to escape the wrong thing. It wasn’t about where I was physically. The discontent was growing inside of me and taking roots in my mental space.

A mental prison.

I really needed to flee my thoughts. They fly back and forth. They get high on possibilities then roll around in self-doubt. They ridicule and criticize every action I take. Every word that escapes my lips get replayed and questioned. Did I say that right? Did I offend this person? Did I come off as rude? I was on a self-inflicted rollercoaster of mental abuse and self loathing.

Now I am planning a different type of journey.

I am learning what is means to be present. I am understanding the courage it takes to not mentally escape and daydream my life away. I am learning to sit in my thoughts. I am listening to what the monologue constantly playing in my mind is telling me. About myself. About the lies I have chosen to believe. I am learning to be gentle with myself. I am learning to take control over what I thought was holding me captive.

One day, I believe I will travel. I believe I will explore parts of the world I have only dreamed about. But for now? I have to sit still. That is what God is calling me to do. Sit still physically and take a journey within. Explore myself. Learn the languages spoken in my soul I find it hard to interpret. Like why do certain smells bring to the surface old memories? Or why do I like feel a pain when I hear certain songs?

I’m tired of searching for home.

I am going to establish home within myself. I am going to watch how it expands, making love materialize.

 

Don’t Wait For the End

Why is it that we don’t consider it a testimony until the problem has been resolved.

I am encouraged the most when I see someone standing in the fire, tears streaming from their eyes, shoulders slumping from the weight of burdens, yet, from their mouths, I hear words of hope. I think the most powerful story is one still being written. It takes an ounce of faith on the part of the main character and the reader. Both must believe in the future. Both must will for better days to come.

So don’t be afraid to live out your truth when it is not pretty to look at. Your pain is a precursor to your victory, and that is the most powerful testimony there is to tell.

Everything I Am

It all belongs to me.

Success. Authorship. Financial freedom. Homeownership. Entrepreneurship. Things to come.

But also…

Failures. Lessons learned. Wisdom. Obstacles. Fears overcome. Things of the past.

They all belong to me right now. Simultaneously. I am everything I have already gone through and everything I will be. All swirled into one moment. I am everything I have gained and everything I will ever need. My ultimate resource is within.

Too often I have looked at things I want to accomplish as if they are outside of myself. But my calling and my purpose are within. It is not a matter of reaching for something in the distance; it is more about discovering what is already inside of me. Discovering the blueprint. Discovering all that I was created to be.

What an empowering lesson. I no longer have to desperately grasp for things that don’t belong to me. Everything I need. I already have. I already am.

 

Fight the Good Fight

Attack after attack.

Something has to give.

Everyday is something new. Everyday satan attacks in a different way. Everyday someone texts me about bad news. Every. Single. Day.

I’m not even sad. Honestly, I’m pissed off. Who does satan think he is? Or I guess the better question is who does he think I am? He must see something I cannot see. God must have clued him in on what’s going to be cultivated in my life in the years to come. I know greatness is waiting for me. I just didn’t know I had to fight so hard for it.

It’s funny because I am exactly where I know I am supposed to be. I am doing exactly what God is calling me to do in this moment in my life. Everything inside of me is still. The emotions that used to rage inside my heart, are now a calm sea. I am happy. That’s a sentence I don’t say often (unfortunately). I am discovering the peace God gave me from the beginning and what it means to choose joy every single morning. My tree is finally starting to bear fruit. And this is only the beginning.

But everything around me? Is pure chaos. It can be disheartening. But I take it as confirmation that I’m right where God has called me to be. Satan has no need to attack a person that isn’t walking inside of God’s will. Why would he try to rob an empty house? Now that I am storing up my treasures inside of the kingdom and walking away from the unnecessary noise of life….he isn’t too happy. The target on my back has doubled in size.

But you know what? I’m not scared.

I’m ready.