Rebirth.

Today is a new day.

But…

Nothing makes sense right now. Or I guess…nothing is supposed to make sense.

I have watched everything crumble. I have seen strong buildings fall and systems collapse. I have heard the cries of mourning and wiped the tears of afflictions.

I am not talking about society. I am talking about me.

Today is a new day. But nothing makes sense…

yet.

I am taking things step by step. I’m not sure what my story will be, but I know I have a story to tell. So, I will continue to write until things make sense again.

I will move forward with hope, because today is a new day.

Pittsburgh

“What happens to a dream deferred?”

It grows

And expands

It takes time to decide

Whether suicide is its destiny

Or if life is the only way

 

It lies down and weeps

Rolling around in the possibilities

Of “what if’s” and “could be’s”

Self-pity is the initial reaction

To a dream left in the shadows

Of life’s troubles

 

What happens next?… is not the decision of the dream

But the dreamer

What happens next… is the thoughts

The resilience

The courage of the one who gave birth to such a thing

The one responsible for the care and tenderness owed

 

My dream

Left alone

Tucked away

And hidden

Accumulated dust

Lost it’s luster

But it did not falter

Once discovered again

I realized it

Was the same

Everything inside of it did not wilt

Rather it grew in wisdom

As my life grew in length

 

And now

It lives

Inside of me

A mature version of childish passions

Plays on in the fantasies of my mind

With more room to develop into

The woman who will not forget

To allow her heart to beat

Now the boundaries are being broken

Letting adventures unfold and take shape

 

A dream is not a silly thing

A dream deferred thing can be a strong thing

And a dream pursued is a sure thing

A new video is posted every Thursday for my Mixtape Poetry series! Subscribe to my Youtube channel to stay up to date with new videos! This is video 5 of 7

Journeys Back Home

I wanted to journey across the world.

I wanted to plan an escape outside the state. California, New York, New Orleans. Anywhere outside of where I stood would surely bring me happiness and contentment.

The more I planned to run away, the more I realized I was trying to escape the wrong thing. It wasn’t about where I was physically. The discontent was growing inside of me and taking roots in my mental space.

A mental prison.

I really needed to flee my thoughts. They fly back and forth. They get high on possibilities then roll around in self-doubt. They ridicule and criticize every action I take. Every word that escapes my lips get replayed and questioned. Did I say that right? Did I offend this person? Did I come off as rude? I was on a self-inflicted rollercoaster of mental abuse and self loathing.

Now I am planning a different type of journey.

I am learning what is means to be present. I am understanding the courage it takes to not mentally escape and daydream my life away. I am learning to sit in my thoughts. I am listening to what the monologue constantly playing in my mind is telling me. About myself. About the lies I have chosen to believe. I am learning to be gentle with myself. I am learning to take control over what I thought was holding me captive.

One day, I believe I will travel. I believe I will explore parts of the world I have only dreamed about. But for now? I have to sit still. That is what God is calling me to do. Sit still physically and take a journey within. Explore myself. Learn the languages spoken in my soul I find it hard to interpret. Like why do certain smells bring to the surface old memories? Or why do I like feel a pain when I hear certain songs?

I’m tired of searching for home.

I am going to establish home within myself. I am going to watch how it expands, making love materialize.

 

From City to City

Leaving one city to conquer another sounds exciting in movies. In real life, it sounds like the worst mistake you can make. Working so hard just to be comfortable, then choosing to walk away from that comfort seems foolish. But it is precisely what I have done.

Pittsburgh. A city of growth. A city of loss. A city that challenged me every single day. Just breathing became a difficult task in a place that forced me to see the world for what it is. In Pittsburgh, I cried. I mourned death. I sat in my loneliness. I witnessed betrayal. I discovered the jealousy that was consuming my own heart. In Pittsburgh, for the first time, I saw the ugly. Life was not, in fact, a box of chocolates.

Pittsburgh was a mirror I had to look into in order to become a woman. I had to view reality. I had to sit in my disappointment. I had to grow in my endurance for the difficult. It is something I had to grow through. It was not the city itself, it was the isolation from everything familiar that brought about these changes. For me, living in Pittsburgh was tough. But necessary. And when I was finally beginning to find stability in life, God told me to leave.

So I did.

I moved back to Atlanta. From one city to another. Walking away from the little I managed to build in Pittsburgh. Watching my sandcastle get swept under the current. Now, I am loosening my grip and allowing the old to wash away. Now that I have come to terms with the failures and ugliness of life, it is time for me to build the good. We were all created in the image of perfection and we all possess everything required to construct something beautiful. And now, it’s time I discover what exactly I was designed to create.

It is scary to lose everything that defined me as an adult. But I rest in the assurance that God will restore everything I lost. This time, it will be aligned with His perfect plan. This time it will be independent of the opinions of others. This time, I realize my power. I recognize I am more than a conqueror. This time, I am not blindsided by the truth. I embrace it and I use it as something to propel me further.