Pittsburgh

“What happens to a dream deferred?”

It grows

And expands

It takes time to decide

Whether suicide is its destiny

Or if life is the only way

 

It lies down and weeps

Rolling around in the possibilities

Of “what if’s” and “could be’s”

Self-pity is the initial reaction

To a dream left in the shadows

Of life’s troubles

 

What happens next?… is not the decision of the dream

But the dreamer

What happens next… is the thoughts

The resilience

The courage of the one who gave birth to such a thing

The one responsible for the care and tenderness owed

 

My dream

Left alone

Tucked away

And hidden

Accumulated dust

Lost it’s luster

But it did not falter

Once discovered again

I realized it

Was the same

Everything inside of it did not wilt

Rather it grew in wisdom

As my life grew in length

 

And now

It lives

Inside of me

A mature version of childish passions

Plays on in the fantasies of my mind

With more room to develop into

The woman who will not forget

To allow her heart to beat

Now the boundaries are being broken

Letting adventures unfold and take shape

 

A dream is not a silly thing

A dream deferred thing can be a strong thing

And a dream pursued is a sure thing

A new video is posted every Thursday for my Mixtape Poetry series! Subscribe to my Youtube channel to stay up to date with new videos! This is video 5 of 7

To My Fellow Writers

Am I the only one that sometimes writes from a place of mystery?

Most of the time, I have a purpose, and I write with intention.

Then there are times the words just slip onto the page from a place I am unaware of. I would say it’s my heart. I could call it my soul, but honestly I do not know the origin. Word after word, pours onto the page and fills up empty spaces I hadn’t even noticed was there.

I call it God.

What do you call this mysterious place of discovery?

Ocean

This morning

God told me

I am an ocean

And the opinions of others are nothing but a pebble

Too insignificant to create waves

In the vastness of my existence

And

I must remember that it is okay to take up space

An entire universe was created just for us

So, I must not hesitate in being

I must not compromise my booming presence in their skies

I am an ocean

And I will not apologize for existing as such

Focus

What am I focusing on?

The easy or the necessary?

I am not proud to admit I had dedicated this entire summer to what is easiest instead of what I actually want to accomplish. My initial goal of becoming a published author seemed so impossible that I scrambled to find something more “practical” to pour my energy into.

Then about two weeks ago I stepped inside of a bookstore and was reminded of my true love: words. I have to get back on track. I have to be courageous and hold fast to my dream. I will be a published author. I must only place one foot in front of the other and continue walking in purpose.

If you have gone through the process of publishing your own book, advice would be greatly appreciated! In the meantime, I will be researching publishers! Thank you for all of the encouragement along the way.

Misplaced

Would you do it?

Would you submit yourself to those things that are killing you?

Would you play with fire?

Would you continue seeking their attention?

Would you wear an outfit that’s barely there?

Would you inhale what’s damaging your lungs?

Would you sip the poisonous liquid?

Would you take the fruit and indulge in the forbidden?

 

Would you sit with those girls?

Would you be in competition with every woman who might have more?

Would you compare yourself?

Would you secretly tear apart yourself?

Would you pinpoint what you don’t like about your own reflection?

Would you call yourself a bad bitch?

 

Would you let him call you anything other than your name?

Would you give away pieces of yourself for free?

Would you allow him to raise his hand?

Would you cover the scars?

Would you….stay?

 

Would you hold on to the resentment?

Would you sleep with hate?

Would you live with bitterness?

Would you walk with hurt?

Would you?

 

Would you do it if you knew?

Would you use your jewels for play if you knew their value?

Where is your crown?

 

Why are you lost if the kingdom is inside of you?

Why do you delay when the promises await you?

Why are you silent when authority is within you?

Why do you accept what is given?

Why do you see but have no vision?

Where is your crown?

 

A new video is posted every Thursday for my Mixtape Poetry series! Subscribe to my Youtube channel to stay up to date with new videos!

Applause

And this is the part of my story no one claps for. Before the book is published. Before the speaking engagements are streaming in. Before a thousand people subscribe to my youtube channel. This is me.

Writing for the love of it. Working my a** off, and seeing very little get accomplished. Holding on to faith that this too shall pass. Learning to enjoy every step of my journey (even when the steps seem to take me backwards).

I am learning to love what no one can see. I am learning to celebrate every completed poem, every blog post written, every vlog posted, every project finished. I am learning to love the me before the celebrity, because it is only a matter of time before my persistence and consistency pays off.

Then, their applause won’t distract me nor validate me. Why? Because I was knew who I was before anyone else noticed.

This is She. This is me.

Journeys Back Home

I wanted to journey across the world.

I wanted to plan an escape outside the state. California, New York, New Orleans. Anywhere outside of where I stood would surely bring me happiness and contentment.

The more I planned to run away, the more I realized I was trying to escape the wrong thing. It wasn’t about where I was physically. The discontent was growing inside of me and taking roots in my mental space.

A mental prison.

I really needed to flee my thoughts. They fly back and forth. They get high on possibilities then roll around in self-doubt. They ridicule and criticize every action I take. Every word that escapes my lips get replayed and questioned. Did I say that right? Did I offend this person? Did I come off as rude? I was on a self-inflicted rollercoaster of mental abuse and self loathing.

Now I am planning a different type of journey.

I am learning what is means to be present. I am understanding the courage it takes to not mentally escape and daydream my life away. I am learning to sit in my thoughts. I am listening to what the monologue constantly playing in my mind is telling me. About myself. About the lies I have chosen to believe. I am learning to be gentle with myself. I am learning to take control over what I thought was holding me captive.

One day, I believe I will travel. I believe I will explore parts of the world I have only dreamed about. But for now? I have to sit still. That is what God is calling me to do. Sit still physically and take a journey within. Explore myself. Learn the languages spoken in my soul I find it hard to interpret. Like why do certain smells bring to the surface old memories? Or why do I like feel a pain when I hear certain songs?

I’m tired of searching for home.

I am going to establish home within myself. I am going to watch how it expands, making love materialize.

 

Labels

I saw the word: CREATE.

Who is it that I am?

CREATOR.

Hm….has a nice ring to it. I am a creator. Hm…it also sounds a bit arrogant. Let’s take a step back.

The creator of everything is who I worship. And the more I reflect, the more I realize I have not created a single thing. Not a poem. Not a story. Not a blog post. I haven’t done anything magnificent enough to call myself a creator.

A more accurate word: INTERPRETER.

I see parts of the world others cannot and I interpret what I have witnessed.

Thoughts are difficult to convey so I translate common emotions and situations.

I am not creating anything for there is nothing new under the sun. I am merely picking up the tools God placed in front of my door. And I’m having a damn good time.

My Own Heartbeat

Sometimes I don’t trust my own heart.

The desires planted in the soil of my soul, I look at them with suspicion in my eyes.

Ignorance leaves me blinded to the bigger picture. I hesitate with every decision. I chastise myself. I punish myself.

But why?

I am realizing to listen to what these desires are telling me. I am learning that I am growing, and my passions are evolving. I am discovering I was created by an intentional God.

So, why do I find it hard to believe He created me to be moved by certain things? Things that escape others. Things they don’t even notice keeps me awake at night, causes me to remain restless until something changes.

I am learning to allow my heart to beat. To trust the goodness that is was made in. If I trust the creator, why wouldn’t I trust His creation?

 

Don’t Wait For the End

Why is it that we don’t consider it a testimony until the problem has been resolved.

I am encouraged the most when I see someone standing in the fire, tears streaming from their eyes, shoulders slumping from the weight of burdens, yet, from their mouths, I hear words of hope. I think the most powerful story is one still being written. It takes an ounce of faith on the part of the main character and the reader. Both must believe in the future. Both must will for better days to come.

So don’t be afraid to live out your truth when it is not pretty to look at. Your pain is a precursor to your victory, and that is the most powerful testimony there is to tell.