Self Reconciliation (Revolutions)

Funny…

I had not realized I was at war with myself. This entire time God has been telling me to work and trust Him, but I did not know it was myself He wanted me to work on.

Last year was a season of discovery. This year is a season of reconciliation. Now that I have found the me that God created in His image, I must learn to become one with her. I must learn to let her lead and not my ego. I must learn how to create peace within myself.

After all, how will I cause great revolutions in the world, if I cannot direct the greatest revolution of them all.

So, my hiatus from creating is still in full effect. The most important relationship and project in my life is the one with myself. Everything else will have to be an afterthought.

 

Update-GREAT NEWS!!!

I love ya’ll so much ❤

I want to post on my site more, and I want to be more consistent. However, every artist knows….consistency is not our strong suit. So, me posting this update is, hopefully, a step in the right direction. I still don’t know how exactly I want my website to be branded, but I know I want it to be authentically me.

So this is me right now:

Great news!!!! I started school…again! The first time around I was going to a school just because I thought that’s what you’re supposed to do right after high school. I signed up for classes and got lost in the shuffle of things, and I ended up with this gigantic bill! I could not afford what they wanted, and they kicked me out. Politely, of course. And ever since then I have been on a journey of self discovery.

It took years away from traditional learning for me to define who I am and what I actually care about. I also worked a lot of jobs that were not a good fit for me. I do not believe your job defines who you are, but we spend a lot of time at work. So, it is important for me to spend my time on something I care about.

With that being said, I asked God, “What is my next best move?” And through a series of events, He answered, “Full Sail University.” That’s the short version anyways.

Basically, after working on my series, Mixtape Poetry and creating videos for my vlog series, She Speaks, I realized how much I love creating visual stories. I also realized how hard it was to teach myself certain camera techniques. Eventually I want to create my own films and write my own scripts and publish my own books, but if I have to finance my dream through a regular job…I want to be in an industry I love! So, I am going back to school to acquire my degree in Digital Cinematography.

Why not writing?

Writing is my first love. So, I don’t want anyone to control it in any way. I don’t want it to become a chore or mundane. So, getting a writing job was never something I was interested in. Changing my writing style to comply with someone else’s vision is just not for me. I would probably grow to resent something I once loved. So, I still write! You don’t ever have to worry about that, but I am doing it on my own terms. I will still publish my own words one day.

But I’m an artist. Which means I am not locked down to one lane. Which means I have the right to explore different avenues of storytelling. And visual storytelling is something else I am passionate about.

So, I just wanted to share where I am! I love you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. I hope to start posting more on here soon. Something tells me I might make a few changes to the site in the near future.

Stay Tuned!!

Alice

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January 1st, 2015: The only resolution I had was to be unapologetically myself.

I had no idea the rabbit hole I stepped inside.

Down and down I continue to go, and it has been the best decision of my life.

I am learning so much about myself, and I love this woman.

Wow, for the first time I can say that without any doubts in my mind.

But who even knew I was this person?????

I didn’t change. I just shed so many layers of lies and fears.

I shed things I was taught and programmed to believe and be, and I began to learn what I actually believe and who I actually am.

It’s beautiful.

And I just want to thank the WordPress community! I love each of you so much, because you have been supportive of every rambling I post! The positive feedback is so appreciated, because this woman I am….she is new to me. So, I am still learning to fully embrace her. I love ya’ll ❤

Mirror Mirror

My reflection has always felt like a different being.

For the sake of sounding crazy I will write this in the hopes that others can relate.

When I see an image, I almost have a second of recognition. Like, “Oh yeah, that’s me.”

It feels like the woman the mirror tells me I am, is different from who I actually am. Each outfit I pick out reflects a little about my personality. But when I see the picture (in the mirror) the message sounds different. It’s like the essence of who I am got lost in translation.

What I am is not what I see, but that does not mean I hate myself.

I used to think that perhaps it was because I was insecure, but no. Now, I stand secure in my outer appearance and I still feel a disconnection with the woman I lock eyes with. She just seems like………..

an image.

Ahh! I sound crazy.

Oh well.

Now that I am in a different space and have matured into my own beliefs, I think perhaps it is a reminder that we are not our bodies. What is the quote…? Something about we are not bodies with a spirit, but we are spirits that have a body.

That’s what it is. I have been on this journey to a vague destination this entire year, and I see that, in the process, God has shown me my true self. The part that matters. The part that lives on forever. After my body breathes it’s last breath, my soul will live on. My spirit is eternal, and my body is not. So, in a sense they are separate. But they are married for a season (the duration of my life), and I will love both fiercely.

Beauty is a fading flower. My spirit is an ever burning fire. Both are important in their own way. Both are mine. Both, I will love.

For Future Reference

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I don’t want the performance you. I cannot build a life with a character, an act, a charade. I cannot go through difficult times with the best version of you. I want to experience the real you. When you’re tired. When you’re irritated. When you’re trying your best and still fall short.

This will not only create authenticity between us, but it will challenge me to love you deeply. To see your faults, and, instead of holding them against you, pour into you anyways. This is what I have been called to do by God. This is the standard He challenged all of us to rise to when He commanded us to love our neighbors (our fellow humans). And marriage is the ultimate test of this command. Will we still love someone when their flaws causes us pain? This is a question I can only answer yes to by seeing your sin and deciding to stay committed to you.

I don’t think I have to make the statement: I want to be loved in return. That is a given. We all do. In fact, I am learning I have placed too much emphasis on being loved that I have neglected to learn how to give it freely. Love is something you continuously grow in-a journey.

So, I want to grow. Do not strip me of the opportunity to mature as a woman, as a daughter of God, as an obedient servant to my fellow human, by hiding who you really are. I am not forced to like everything you bring to the table, so do not worry about what I will like. I am encouraged to simply love you despite what you bring to the table. So, be you.

Self-Filled

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As I am stripped of every form of self doubt, I am discovering more of myself. So cliche to type or even say, but it is the honest truth. Man, what a peaceful feeling it is to be in complete fellowship with myself. As much as I like to discover the workings of people and uncover what makes them tick, I’m learning those things about me. As if I am a part from myself.

But…I guess I have been in a way. I have been living according to what external voices say and their external standards for what success is and what defines happiness. But if I become silent, if I sit in my own solitude I can see myself. I can hear my heart and what it longs for. I can witness my own happiness and determine the source. Man, this is such a beautiful place. With myself. Not selfish. But self-filled. Hm..

It is from this place, I will learn to love and interact with the world around me. With love as my guide.

“From the abundance of the heart…” -Some scripture in the bible somewhere


Currently Reading: The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra

Tattoos

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What makes me strong?

Starting over. Standing back up. Coming to a dead end and having the courage to walk in the direction from which I just came.

It hurts to fall. It hurts to get disapointed. It hurts to invests in people who twist your trust. The scrapes on your knees will probably leave a bruise. They will most likely ache for a little while. They will scab over and eventually heal, but the mark will remain.

Despite these natural, unwanted tattoos on my skin, I continue to smile. And that is what makes me strong. That is what makes me, me.

 


 

Written for day 12 of OctPoWriMo 

I am Twenty Four

This past Tuesday was my birthday. Another year down in the books, and I feel….present.

I’m not excited nor dreading the year to come, I’m simply here. I’m not looking at tomorrow. I am not harping on yesterday, I’m focusing on right now.

I hear God saying this is the year of new beginnings. I see God pulling precious jewels out of me. I feel Him all around me. And I want nothing more than this moment.

I want to see what He doing right now. I want to hear what He is saying right now. I want to know where He is right now. All that matters is right now.

Mixtape Poetry: Be a Poem

In a world full of calloused hearts

And ulterior motives

Be passionate

Be authentic

In a generation known for building walls

Be transparent

Feel every emotion

Be rage

Be disappointment

So that you can be the evolution

So that you can be the joy

The rainbow at the conclusion

Of a storm

In a world that falls back

And falls short of human connection

That fails terribly

At fostering communities

Be open to varying opinions

Be accepting of freedom of choice

Be gentle with yourself

And your neighbor

Be full

Be raw

Be hope for a new day

Be sadness during darkness

Be exposure to all that is the human experience

Be the embodiment of life

In a world full of empty words

Be a poem.

This is video 7 of 7 and the conclusion of the Mixtape Poetry series! Subscribe to my Youtube channel to watch the entire series! Thank you! ❤

It’s A New Day

I woke up today excited! Nothing externally changed, but everything inside of me bloomed in my sleep. Flowers that struggled to push past the pavement, now show off in the cracks of my heart.

I am excited!

I will not fail. I will not lose. I will live in every dream that was assigned to me in birth.

Eyes open. Mind open. Heart beating. I’m here. And I’m ready to live!