Steps Forward/ Vivid Colors

My dreams had faded to black and white. A stale version of what was planted in my heart. They were beginning to disappear from my memory. I was beginning to forget about passion and what caused a stir inside of me, because…nothing seemed to cause a stir inside of me anymore.

But now…

I’m different. Everyday towards my healing feels like a baby’s step towards progression, but I’m getting there. It’s like all the projects I put down, I want to start again. Not only do I want to start them, but bringing them to completion now feels achievable.

This is a good sign, and I will celebrate this milestone. Plans for the future means a hope for the future. And that was something I thought I had lost. God helped me find it.

I see the color inside my dreams again. I don’t have to sleep walk in the daytime or lie awake at night. I can live again. I am living again.

And life is beginning to feel great…

…again.

 

Always Remember…

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Photocred: Me. Juaquina Carter

I am like this plant.

Growing where they told me I couldn’t

Through the darkness

Flourishing where there is no soil

Where there was once concrete ceilings

I must have saw opportunity

My existence is a miracle

Not to be taken for granted

For where there is life

There is a purpose

Do you hear that, self?

Where there is breath

There is life

And where there is life

There is purpose.

So don’t forget that you are

Something rare

Something phenomenal

Alive.

 

Last night I tried to stop breathing, but the beat in my soul would not let me. I wanted permission to escape from the prison I don’t belong in. This confinement was starting to feel like home, and that disturbed me. I wanted to do something about it. I wanted to break down the walls and free myself from oppression.

Suicidal thoughts…

…begin to sound like freedom when you have lived your life in chains. I was desperate enough to answer a call from the devil. I wanted to be happy again. But how can I use satan’s plan to get to God’s glory?

I cannot.

So, I fell into a hole not meant for living. And it is in here, I find what heals me.

The darkness is so deep, it swallows my thoughts and never spits them back out. I am afraid to even move my arm, because I do not know what surrounds me. The light came on, and all I see is blackness. A mysterious hue blocking all ambition and energy. God exposed what I was creating, what I was living. And I realize, I cannot use my own strength to get out of a castle made of sand.

“Be still.”

The duality of the moment is perplexing. Here I am, in my own sin, in my own healing. I quietly wait in the darkness while God does things I cannot see. I thought I had run out of faith, but I guess this is what it practically looks like to obtain it. Running to the ends of yourself, and having nothing to rely on except…..Jesus.

He said all I needed was a mustard seed, but I didn’t have that. So, I prayed for it. He wants all of my heart, my mind, and my soul, but I lost those down here in this pit. So, I asked him to help me find them.

He is taking me through a process that will not be over in a night. I will not bounce back in a week. Nor will I be ready for relationship in a month. No, this takes a commitment so strong, I have to give it a new name.

Covenant.

Something so powerful, it uses time its tool. God will not be rushed. And I will not be moved. We will sit here together.

I, in the mysterious shadows, will be still. I will slowly realize the the chains I could not see. I will hear them rattle every time I try to solve my own problems by ignoring them. Then I will be reminded I am still in the process.

And God? He will be faithful. He will be present. He will be working. For where I cannot see, he knows perfectly. He will bring me what I need. I must only rest. He will give me the key. He will remove the chains I placed on myself. He will teach me to stand again. He will teach me to walk again. He will teach me to live again. In truth. And as a result, I will know that…

He is God. 

And through Him,

I am alive.

Rebirth.

Today is a new day.

But…

Nothing makes sense right now. Or I guess…nothing is supposed to make sense.

I have watched everything crumble. I have seen strong buildings fall and systems collapse. I have heard the cries of mourning and wiped the tears of afflictions.

I am not talking about society. I am talking about me.

Today is a new day. But nothing makes sense…

yet.

I am taking things step by step. I’m not sure what my story will be, but I know I have a story to tell. So, I will continue to write until things make sense again.

I will move forward with hope, because today is a new day.

Remember It’s Okay

What you feed is what you create.

But what about when I don’t feel like being positive?

When rainbows and sunshine make me want to vomit.

When I turn my head in pessimism

I need to know it’s okay to have a bad day.

And that five bad days in a row is not an omen,

But an awning of human emotion.

Tell me, I am okay,

Because the T.V. screen paints it as weak,

Labels you depressed when you see no need to rise.

Some days are harder to get out of bed.

Some days I am a different version of myself.

That does not mean my personalities have split in two.

Aren’t we allowed to be layered

And textured?

I know I have a right,

And feelings change shape by the minute.

But writing it

Makes me remember

That I am not okay

But I will be.

And that’s okay.

 

Alice

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January 1st, 2015: The only resolution I had was to be unapologetically myself.

I had no idea the rabbit hole I stepped inside.

Down and down I continue to go, and it has been the best decision of my life.

I am learning so much about myself, and I love this woman.

Wow, for the first time I can say that without any doubts in my mind.

But who even knew I was this person?????

I didn’t change. I just shed so many layers of lies and fears.

I shed things I was taught and programmed to believe and be, and I began to learn what I actually believe and who I actually am.

It’s beautiful.

And I just want to thank the WordPress community! I love each of you so much, because you have been supportive of every rambling I post! The positive feedback is so appreciated, because this woman I am….she is new to me. So, I am still learning to fully embrace her. I love ya’ll ❤

Mirror Mirror

My reflection has always felt like a different being.

For the sake of sounding crazy I will write this in the hopes that others can relate.

When I see an image, I almost have a second of recognition. Like, “Oh yeah, that’s me.”

It feels like the woman the mirror tells me I am, is different from who I actually am. Each outfit I pick out reflects a little about my personality. But when I see the picture (in the mirror) the message sounds different. It’s like the essence of who I am got lost in translation.

What I am is not what I see, but that does not mean I hate myself.

I used to think that perhaps it was because I was insecure, but no. Now, I stand secure in my outer appearance and I still feel a disconnection with the woman I lock eyes with. She just seems like………..

an image.

Ahh! I sound crazy.

Oh well.

Now that I am in a different space and have matured into my own beliefs, I think perhaps it is a reminder that we are not our bodies. What is the quote…? Something about we are not bodies with a spirit, but we are spirits that have a body.

That’s what it is. I have been on this journey to a vague destination this entire year, and I see that, in the process, God has shown me my true self. The part that matters. The part that lives on forever. After my body breathes it’s last breath, my soul will live on. My spirit is eternal, and my body is not. So, in a sense they are separate. But they are married for a season (the duration of my life), and I will love both fiercely.

Beauty is a fading flower. My spirit is an ever burning fire. Both are important in their own way. Both are mine. Both, I will love.

Dirt

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I built a beautiful house

On a foundation not meant for standing

So I crumbled

Fell on a ground not meant for walking

So I crawled

To what saves me

I sought out what heals me

There I found new soil

Meant for planting

Meant for expansion

It was right there-It is here

Where I find my strength to stand again

To rise again

I find my legs and use them to work again

I constructed something

That took years to build

And seconds

To fall

And now?

With a glad heart

I start again