Orlando (Pt. 1)

When I moved to Orlando, there were no preconceived notions about who I was or who I was supposed to be. In the city of Magic, there was no box waiting for me. Only…

…freedom.

On August 7th, it will be a year since I have been living in Orlando, Florida. This past year has been one of the hardest years of my life. I have been pushed by life’s circumstances to endure things I never thought I could endure. Everything I thought I was so sure of was called into question. All the masks fell off. All the acts stopped. And all I was left with was…

…me.

The real me. The me I had never really met before. Or maybe I have…I just tried to ignore her. All the unanswered questions about the mysteries of life. All of the doubt when asked to have faith. All of the anger. All of the sadness. All of the depression. The mental health I thought was getting better. The ignorance on important topics. The addictions. The lusts.

All of my wounds finally had the time and space to get fresh air. I can finally see them. At first, it was overwhelming to see the brokenness in myself. Now, I see the possibilities. Now, I see the importance of facing uncomfortable topics and scars in oder to bring about healing.

But not only that…

I saw who I wasn’t. I have been able to recognize what habits were mirrors of the people around me, and what was really me. Turns out, I don’t like to sound excited in my texts all of the time. Excessive exclamation marks just seem kind of fake to me. Turns out, I don’t want to be nice to every guy who gives me attention I did not ask for. Turns out, I don’t like sports, but I love live bands.

In a year’s time, the robot that was created by southern and religious cultural norms was dismantled. Now, I stare at the pieces of what was and throw away what wasn’t really me in the first place.

I am still in the middle of this journey, but in a year’s time, I began to find Juaquina. But it’s only because God led me to this city…where I knew no one…where I had no safety net…where it was just Him and I.

Orlando is the city I experienced both great loss and great gain.

I lost everything in order to find the most important thing in my world:

Me. 

Steps Forward/ Vivid Colors

My dreams had faded to black and white. A stale version of what was planted in my heart. They were beginning to disappear from my memory. I was beginning to forget about passion and what caused a stir inside of me, because…nothing seemed to cause a stir inside of me anymore.

But now…

I’m different. Everyday towards my healing feels like a baby’s step towards progression, but I’m getting there. It’s like all the projects I put down, I want to start again. Not only do I want to start them, but bringing them to completion now feels achievable.

This is a good sign, and I will celebrate this milestone. Plans for the future means a hope for the future. And that was something I thought I had lost. God helped me find it.

I see the color inside my dreams again. I don’t have to sleep walk in the daytime or lie awake at night. I can live again. I am living again.

And life is beginning to feel great…

…again.

 

Always Remember…

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Photocred: Me. Juaquina Carter

I am like this plant.

Growing where they told me I couldn’t

Through the darkness

Flourishing where there is no soil

Where there was once concrete ceilings

I must have saw opportunity

My existence is a miracle

Not to be taken for granted

For where there is life

There is a purpose

Do you hear that, self?

Where there is breath

There is life

And where there is life

There is purpose.

So don’t forget that you are

Something rare

Something phenomenal

Alice

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January 1st, 2015: The only resolution I had was to be unapologetically myself.

I had no idea the rabbit hole I stepped inside.

Down and down I continue to go, and it has been the best decision of my life.

I am learning so much about myself, and I love this woman.

Wow, for the first time I can say that without any doubts in my mind.

But who even knew I was this person?????

I didn’t change. I just shed so many layers of lies and fears.

I shed things I was taught and programmed to believe and be, and I began to learn what I actually believe and who I actually am.

It’s beautiful.

And I just want to thank the WordPress community! I love each of you so much, because you have been supportive of every rambling I post! The positive feedback is so appreciated, because this woman I am….she is new to me. So, I am still learning to fully embrace her. I love ya’ll ❤

It’s A New Day

I woke up today excited! Nothing externally changed, but everything inside of me bloomed in my sleep. Flowers that struggled to push past the pavement, now show off in the cracks of my heart.

I am excited!

I will not fail. I will not lose. I will live in every dream that was assigned to me in birth.

Eyes open. Mind open. Heart beating. I’m here. And I’m ready to live!