To The Guys Who Call Me Great But Treat Me Like I’m Average.

I’m breaking up with you. 

All of you.

The friends. The family. The potential lovers. I am done with you. 

I will no longer allow you to use me emotionally. I will not be your support system and listening ear. I will not answer every time you call, nor will I be prompt in my responses to your texts. I am not your filler.

I will not fill in the time while you wait for someone else. I will not fill in the gaps when your friends have abandoned you. I will not be there when you are in a low place in life. 

Why?

Because I know what happens next. 

You leave.

For the gazzillionth time, I have watched someone I poured so much into love someone else. I watched them give me the bare minimum of what I deserved only to give someone new the world. Do you know what that does to a person? 

Well, I’m not going to be used anymore. I am leaving you. And I am not going to tell you why, so I hope you read this post. You, none of you, deserve a last conversation from me. You don’t deserve what you never gave. I am moving on. 

Why?

Because I am a great woman, friend, and family member. I am a phenomenal woman, and I don’t have to wait for anyone to tell me that anymore. I am beautiful. And one day, a man is going to look at me with stars in his eyes. He is going to be left speechless when I walk into the room, and he is going to spend the rest of his life pouring love into me. One day, I will be treated like I am great. But today? You? Your words? They mean nothing to me. 

Do you know how it feels to be called great then treated like you’re average? I do. 

And this is me finally standing up for myself. Finally demanding what God told me was mine. Finally stepping out of the settle box and learning to wait for what I deserve. I don’t need your compliments nor do I need your attention. I need the space to spread my wings and fly into my destiny. 

I forgive you. But I’m done with you. 

Unanswered Knocks

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My friend,

You push me away when you need me most

Why does tragedy make you hide from love?

I want to give you what most don’t have

Support

But your isolated grief closes the door

Bolts the lock

So outside of your house

I stand

Clutching the flower I bought

To remind you of new life

I watch the raindrops fall

Hitting your window

Now rolling down my heart

When you lock yourself away

We both lose out on friendship

Your pain goes untended;

My knocks go unanswered

-Juaquina She

For Future Reference

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I don’t want the performance you. I cannot build a life with a character, an act, a charade. I cannot go through difficult times with the best version of you. I want to experience the real you. When you’re tired. When you’re irritated. When you’re trying your best and still fall short.

This will not only create authenticity between us, but it will challenge me to love you deeply. To see your faults, and, instead of holding them against you, pour into you anyways. This is what I have been called to do by God. This is the standard He challenged all of us to rise to when He commanded us to love our neighbors (our fellow humans). And marriage is the ultimate test of this command. Will we still love someone when their flaws causes us pain? This is a question I can only answer yes to by seeing your sin and deciding to stay committed to you.

I don’t think I have to make the statement: I want to be loved in return. That is a given. We all do. In fact, I am learning I have placed too much emphasis on being loved that I have neglected to learn how to give it freely. Love is something you continuously grow in-a journey.

So, I want to grow. Do not strip me of the opportunity to mature as a woman, as a daughter of God, as an obedient servant to my fellow human, by hiding who you really are. I am not forced to like everything you bring to the table, so do not worry about what I will like. I am encouraged to simply love you despite what you bring to the table. So, be you.