Steps Forward/ Vivid Colors

My dreams had faded to black and white. A stale version of what was planted in my heart. They were beginning to disappear from my memory. I was beginning to forget about passion and what caused a stir inside of me, because…nothing seemed to cause a stir inside of me anymore.

But now…

I’m different. Everyday towards my healing feels like a baby’s step towards progression, but I’m getting there. It’s like all the projects I put down, I want to start again. Not only do I want to start them, but bringing them to completion now feels achievable.

This is a good sign, and I will celebrate this milestone. Plans for the future means a hope for the future. And that was something I thought I had lost. God helped me find it.

I see the color inside my dreams again. I don’t have to sleep walk in the daytime or lie awake at night. I can live again. I am living again.

And life is beginning to feel great…

…again.

 

Rebirth.

Today is a new day.

But…

Nothing makes sense right now. Or I guess…nothing is supposed to make sense.

I have watched everything crumble. I have seen strong buildings fall and systems collapse. I have heard the cries of mourning and wiped the tears of afflictions.

I am not talking about society. I am talking about me.

Today is a new day. But nothing makes sense…

yet.

I am taking things step by step. I’m not sure what my story will be, but I know I have a story to tell. So, I will continue to write until things make sense again.

I will move forward with hope, because today is a new day.

For Free?

I started my journey by asking myself this question:

What would you do even if you did not get paid to do it?

Well, obviously writing was my answer, but I never thought I would get tested on that declaration.

Now the question has morphed into:

Are you willing to write without getting paid for it?

Absolutely. Well, that’s my answer after months of the question lurking around my thoughts without fully revealing itself.

Don’t get me wrong, my ambition is the same. I will be a published author. But am I willing to go through a season (or two) of not getting noticed or paid for what I do? Without a doubt. Before people had opinions or I had a blog, I wrote. I breathed poetry. Words are the love of my life. With them I feel at home…like I am returning to all that I had lost. People have never been my thing (introvert fo’ life). But sitting on the floor of a bookstore reading nothing in particular is a slice of heaven for me.

So, whenever my blessings and desires decides to manifest themselves is beyond my control. But until they do, I will continue to write. I will continue to partner with creativity.

…simply because I love it. ❤

It’s A New Day

I woke up today excited! Nothing externally changed, but everything inside of me bloomed in my sleep. Flowers that struggled to push past the pavement, now show off in the cracks of my heart.

I am excited!

I will not fail. I will not lose. I will live in every dream that was assigned to me in birth.

Eyes open. Mind open. Heart beating. I’m here. And I’m ready to live!

 

Mixtape Poetry: Self Care

And tonight

I choose myself

Tonight I decide

I’m going to love myself

I have declared this before

Except this time I realize

Love is not a noun

There is action to be taken

Tending to my own needs

Nurturing the soil of my soul

Cultivating the ground for growth

 

Pouring into my cup

Wisdom

Pouring until it spills over

Tenderness

Tonight I choose to pay attention

To the language of my own body

What is it saying?

The foreign tongue of my emotions

What are they reflecting

About the world around me?

 

Tonight I choose me

Under the stars

I see my own reflection

In the faint light of the distant moon

I stand looking for no one

Waiting on no one

Because I am all I need

Sitting in the echoes of my essence

Basking in the ambience of my being

 

Tonight?

I choose me.

A new video is posted every Thursday for my Mixtape Poetry series! Subscribe to my Youtube channel to stay up to date with new videos! This is video 6 of 7

Pittsburgh

“What happens to a dream deferred?”

It grows

And expands

It takes time to decide

Whether suicide is its destiny

Or if life is the only way

 

It lies down and weeps

Rolling around in the possibilities

Of “what if’s” and “could be’s”

Self-pity is the initial reaction

To a dream left in the shadows

Of life’s troubles

 

What happens next?… is not the decision of the dream

But the dreamer

What happens next… is the thoughts

The resilience

The courage of the one who gave birth to such a thing

The one responsible for the care and tenderness owed

 

My dream

Left alone

Tucked away

And hidden

Accumulated dust

Lost it’s luster

But it did not falter

Once discovered again

I realized it

Was the same

Everything inside of it did not wilt

Rather it grew in wisdom

As my life grew in length

 

And now

It lives

Inside of me

A mature version of childish passions

Plays on in the fantasies of my mind

With more room to develop into

The woman who will not forget

To allow her heart to beat

Now the boundaries are being broken

Letting adventures unfold and take shape

 

A dream is not a silly thing

A dream deferred thing can be a strong thing

And a dream pursued is a sure thing

A new video is posted every Thursday for my Mixtape Poetry series! Subscribe to my Youtube channel to stay up to date with new videos! This is video 5 of 7

To My Fellow Writers

Am I the only one that sometimes writes from a place of mystery?

Most of the time, I have a purpose, and I write with intention.

Then there are times the words just slip onto the page from a place I am unaware of. I would say it’s my heart. I could call it my soul, but honestly I do not know the origin. Word after word, pours onto the page and fills up empty spaces I hadn’t even noticed was there.

I call it God.

What do you call this mysterious place of discovery?

Future Love 2/14/2016

I rolled over on my side

This morning

And noticed an emptiness

That has always been there

But never felt so hollow before

I noticed you weren’t beside me

You never have been

But it never felt so apparent

The weight of your presence

Wasn’t creating a dent in my mattress

Your hands weren’t holding my waist

Your eyes weren’t watching me as I wake

Your breath wasn’t matching mine

I noticed how

I craved you

I missed you

You haven’t entered my life yet

But the space God has reserved

Is one to catch my thoughts

Significant enough

For me to feel glimpses

Of what our love will be

How our love will grow

The rooms we will decorate

As our love expands

I rolled over on my side

This morning

And found my thoughts

Lingering on

You

 

A new video is posted every Thursday for my Mixtape Poetry series! Subscribe to my Youtube channel to stay up to date with new videos! This is video 3 of 7

Journeys Back Home

I wanted to journey across the world.

I wanted to plan an escape outside the state. California, New York, New Orleans. Anywhere outside of where I stood would surely bring me happiness and contentment.

The more I planned to run away, the more I realized I was trying to escape the wrong thing. It wasn’t about where I was physically. The discontent was growing inside of me and taking roots in my mental space.

A mental prison.

I really needed to flee my thoughts. They fly back and forth. They get high on possibilities then roll around in self-doubt. They ridicule and criticize every action I take. Every word that escapes my lips get replayed and questioned. Did I say that right? Did I offend this person? Did I come off as rude? I was on a self-inflicted rollercoaster of mental abuse and self loathing.

Now I am planning a different type of journey.

I am learning what is means to be present. I am understanding the courage it takes to not mentally escape and daydream my life away. I am learning to sit in my thoughts. I am listening to what the monologue constantly playing in my mind is telling me. About myself. About the lies I have chosen to believe. I am learning to be gentle with myself. I am learning to take control over what I thought was holding me captive.

One day, I believe I will travel. I believe I will explore parts of the world I have only dreamed about. But for now? I have to sit still. That is what God is calling me to do. Sit still physically and take a journey within. Explore myself. Learn the languages spoken in my soul I find it hard to interpret. Like why do certain smells bring to the surface old memories? Or why do I like feel a pain when I hear certain songs?

I’m tired of searching for home.

I am going to establish home within myself. I am going to watch how it expands, making love materialize.