It’s Time I wrote About My Grieving Process, but…

It’s Time I wrote About My Grieving Process, but…

Juaquina Carter

I don’t want to talk about it.

I don’t want to put words to what I feel, because I am scared of what those words will form. The outline they would create of the monster living inside of my nightmares, or my reality. They both seem to melt together these days.

I don’t want to talk about depression anymore. I have said that word so many times, it is starting to become a piece of my identity, and I can’t let that happen. I am me without the sadness, right?

I don’t want to describe the all encompassing fear. That ties my feet together, and puts a noose around my neck. It shackles my heart in the past, so that it cannot reach the hope for tomorrow. I can’t talk about it, because then it would be real.

Parts of me would unravel, and I’m not sure if I would ever come back together. The ocean inside of me is made of black acid, and there is a tsunami brewing under the surface. If I speak too soon, everything would come tumbling out.

I can’t speak on this, because I would morph into a burden to the unfortunate person listening to my story. Their inability to help “fix” me would result in a counterproductive response. They would search their hearts and rack their brain with what to say, and the taped together condolences they offer would only irritate me. I don’t want the perfect response, only an open heart.

I can’t write about this.

But I guess I just did.

And I still am…typing. Because there is more to say.

Like…

I’m scared I won’t ever be the same; that the girl with stars in her eyes died. Hope doesn’t live here anymore, and it’s not even allowed to step on my welcome mat outside. I have taken off my rose colored glasses and refuse to put them on again. I am different. And no one has even noticed. They talk to me as if I am the same Juaquina, but I’m not.

But I’m not. 

6 thoughts on “It’s Time I wrote About My Grieving Process, but…”

  • This is a wonderful and vulnerable piece. It connected to my heart right away. And it reminded my of a poem I wrote. I think you might relate. It’s called The Flood.
    The Flood

    Tension rises in me
    I feel the emotion
    But I want it to go away
    Lump in my throat
    Tears in my eyes
    I don’t have the strength to hold back
    The flood

    Tension throbs in me
    I feel the hurt
    But I want it to go away
    Pain in my head
    Tears in my eyes
    I don’t have to strength to endure
    The flood

    Tension in my shoulders
    I feel the anger
    But I want it to go away
    Hardness in my jaw
    Tears in my eyes
    I don’t have the strength to contain
    The flood

    Tension in my stomach
    I feel the sadness
    But I want it to go away
    Distorts my face
    Tears in my eyes
    I don’t have the strength to suppress
    The flood

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  • Juaquina, the pain and vulnerability in your post are heartbreaking and beautiful, but NOT a burden. Take that rock out of your backpack. Your sharing is a gift, and I urge you to keep writing. Writing has really helped me to process grief and I’ve been amazed that others connected with my rambling pain.

    I look forward to reading more about your processing and healing and finding the true Juaquina.

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